Rules for golfing
Golf Course Restaurant
The restaurant at your golf course shall be named either Mulligans or The 19th Hole. There are no other acceptable names. If there is a bar, it must be named Tavern on/at/by the Green.
Charging Green Fees:
Green fees will be charged each golfer regardless of skill level. Golfers who take more strokes will get more for their money. Green fees in excess of $200 per golf round are deemed expensive but are not against green fee charge rules. High green fees are a source of bragging rights.
The following formula may be used to determine green fee charges:
# of trees on the course + # of groundskeepers + part of town the course is in + cool-name factor + beauty of the drink cart drivers
Equipment
All that science and aerospace technology has achieved to date is in the latest set of golf clubs and golf balls. No science or aerospace technological advances will help you correct your slice.
The bigger the head of your 1 wood, the better the club.
The bigger the head of your 1 wood, the dumber you look when you miss the ball.
Obnoxious phrases
The following phrases must be used at least once per game:
Does your husband play? – This phrase is to be spoken to a male golfer who leaves a putt dramatically short.
Drive for show, putt for dough! – This phrase is to be used when you someone hits a drive longer than your drive.
That’s one – this phrase is used when a golfer tees up a ball, aligns the shot, and inadvertently knocks the ball off the tee. The golfer is then allowed to sheepishly reset the ball back atop the tee.
This shot will land on the green like a butterfly with sore feet – This phrase is used to demonstrate that any golfer can sound wimpy.
Off the tee
If it becomes necessary to wait for the golfers ahead of you, a game of tee-box shall be played at least once per round. This game is a cross between croquet and marbles and has no official rules. Such rules are made up on the spot. The main object of the game is to kill time waiting for the golfers who are getting their money’s worth ahead of you. All other stated goals or objectives of the game are fabricated to achieve the main objective.
A golfer may tee the ball up anywhere in the tee box provided the other golfers are allowed to do the same.
Golfers are required to use the jar of sand and grass seed to fill in divots. Substantial divots should be replaced but not before being placed atop the embarrassed divot-taking golfer’s head and making a lame toupee joke.
If a male golfer hits his driver and the ball does not travel beyond the women’s tee, the male golfer shall play the rest of that hole with his pants around his ankles. This has always been an unspoken rule. This rule is always spoken when a drive of this nature occurs. This rule is seldom enforce. NOTE: There is a 10-second rule in connection with rule that states that if a golfer is able to retrieve his ball within ten (10) seconds of hitting the ball and reset it on the tee, he shall not incur a stroke penalty, he shall not be required to play the hole trouser-free, and he may, in some circles, retain his dignity.
The more pompous the golfer, the more iridescent the pants. This rule is not followed – it is lived.
