Concrete Evidence

I have decided that there is nothing easy about concrete. I come by this knowledge honestly - through good, hard experience. I meant to say that.

Some years ago I replaced the gates in my driveway with wider ones. Not that I needed them, I could have parked my stuff behind narrow ones with a bunch more practice and some pretty nasty scratches on said trailers. But, in the immortal words of Joe M., I would rather widen the opening than...oh, never mind. So, I had a guy replace my gates and remove a couple of columns of block to accommodate the new gates. The result was a strip of concrete under the gate that consisted of broke-out block. It looked like Tom's teeth every time Jerry hit him in the face with a giant frying pan. Most impressive was the way Jerry could levitate high in the air and still have the leverage to swing that massive cast-iron skillet in order to reshape Tom's face -- and his teeth, by the way. (didn't think it would come back, did you...)

Anyway, I went to Home Depot, which I now own as a result of the remodel, to get some concrete patch material. I got a large bucket and followed the directions. I even got a trowel. Is that how you spell it? So, I mixed the concrete and applied it all along the broken-teeth jaggy-ness. Then, I went back to smash it into the cracks of the broke blocks to smooth out the driveway.

When I went to hit the first, um, I'll call it a clod of concrete, I expected to be able to manipulate it like drizzling chocolate in the voids of the three-scoop mountain Debi loves so much. Not to be confused with the two mountains Jeff loves so much. Instead of the soft, smooth, creamy substance I expected, I hit solid rock. I think it hit me back. The bag said it would dry hard and fast but this was ridiculous. I threw the clods away. I threw the bucket away. I even threw the trowel away. I have such animosity that I didn't even look up how to spell it. I ended up having the slab company patch this gap and it looks great.

I may have mentioned that during the remodel (mind you I didn’t say ‘…before the remodel began when it could have been properly planned’) we decided to add a veggie sink in the kitchen. To do this, we had to saw-cut the newly poured slab to accommodate the wires and pipes necessary to tie the plumbing to the island. The saw-cutter came out and cut the concrete. I busted it out. There is strangely nothing straight-forward about this. It looks cracked, it can move, but I cannot remove the piece I am working on.

I found it gratifying to use the sledge hammer on the concrete right up until I got to the deeper foundation concrete. My sledge hammer literally bounced off this stuff. So, I found it hard to work with. Next, I went to Home Depot, which I own, and rented a jack hammer. This 30-lb light-duty device helped me chip out some of the more delicate areas around existing pipes and corners. It, however, failed to penetrate the foundation sufficiently. So, I went to Home Depot, which I own, and rented The Whacker. This device actually comes with its own moving dolly. I was able to jackhammer my way to success using The Whacker. I’m sure the digital nerve damage and hearing loss were worth it.

Now I'm scared of concrete.