Eyes like Marty Feldman

My eyes are beginning to struggle. I have always had great eyesight. According to my kid's ophthalmologist, I am one of the few lucky ones. My dad, oh, I have to write about him someday, always had bad eyesight and glasses. My mom had good eyes and has concealed the fact that here eyes are bad now. Her mother was nearly blind. Throughout her life, my maternal grandmother had varying degrees of eye trouble, cornea transplants, collapsed pupils, and generally poor eye health. I think this is where my mother got her intensity about eyesight. I remember driving down the road one day when I was young and commenting that I thought I looked good in glasses. I may have mentioned that I wanted to damage my eyesight in order to deem it necessary to have these glasses to make me look good.

My comments must have been credible enough because my mom reacted in a violent way. Her tirade contained many reasons why I would not want to do such a thing. She was spitting fire and hollering as she demanded that I swear on a stack of shoes that I would never do anything so stupid. Of course I wouldn't. Although it was a known fact even then that people with glasses were smarter than people who were unbespecticled. There I was -- Mr. Dunderboy Nakedface.

I remember how much my friends were jealous of my eyesight. When we would drive somewhere (especially to the South Twin where it was dark) I could see the street signs far sooner than my friends. They thought I was blessed with a super power to be able to see like I could. I would deem that superpower-lite as my vision at the time was 20/15.

I was told that my eyesight would vanish when I turned 40. I remember reading a book aloud that night and when the clock struck 12 I still had the ability to read and see. I beat the odds, donchaknow. Now, at 45, I recognize the symptoms of gradual blindness. I didn't know doing that would cause such a belated effect. Checking my palms now. I now read everything just fine except when I get tired. I find that focusing when I am really tired has become interesting. I have tested this to see if there are times when I have more or less difficulty and the only thing I can tell is that when American Idol comes on I am instantly blinded. It must be Realitvigmatism.

Here's the weird part: I got some +1.25's for the tired reading times. If I get tired, I bust them out like a proud grandpappy dragging a fart through a crowded mall. I use them for a second and then I realize that I don't like them so I take them off and I can see better with them off. I can't explain that. I didn't think corrective lenses actually corrected anything. But they seem to correct my ability to see as Mr. Nakedface. So much for me donning glasses to look smarter. I can't wait for the day when I get to wear a neck-strapped pair of +2.00's around my neck everywhere I go. That will look cool. Sorry mom.