I Heard You

Listening is an art. Or a science. Or whatever we should label it to make it seem harder or more of a craft than it is. It seems to be particularly important to the ladies. I get that. They want to be heard. I want to listen. It just isn't that simple. I guess I'm not an artist. Or a scientist. It's not that I'm flexing my anti-listening muscles! Think of it more in terms of being in 'listen neutral.'

I can hear, but to engage focus and actually process that which is being heard takes action. More than likely what you are saying is interesting to me. That alone doesn't shift my listening into drive. My smokin' hot wife says she can SEE when I'm listening. Great! Now I can't even pretend... The other day SHW actually watched me as I was working on a project on the computer. As she told me a story I would periodically look her way. After a while, she informed me that she could actually see it on my face - the 'listening' would kick in. I was told in 3rd grade that focusing so hard on [whatever - then it was reading a book] demonstrates a keen ability to concentrate.

This is now, however, seen as a weakness - the inability to 'multitask.' Oh well, can't win.

Fission Police

Fashion? Fission? Fusion? Who knows?

The fashion-police pukes are at it again: My smokin' hot wife bought a brown old-school wool sweater-vest with great texture. One of the pukes who periodically wonders our house claiming to be our daughter's friend said that it looks like it's made of eyebrows. Pretty funny - especially for a formerly welcome puke. (Definition: puke = male teenager whose life expectancy drops as he enters my house)The puke had occasion to be in my house answering my daughter - she asked him to Winter Formal. He filled her room with balloons. She had to pop them all to find the one with his pic inside that had a cartoon balloon over his head saying, "Yes." Not bad considering how long it takes to fill balloons. With hot air. Puke air.

I don't mind that my girls have experience with boys. I just know what they are thinking and I know how little control they have over their thoughts and feelings. They barely understand them. And the testosterone pounds so loudly in their ears as to drown out any possibility of emerging from non-pukehood. They won't be able to surface from their brains being awash with hormones for several years.

Kinda makes you feel sorry for them, doesn't it? Like a rat, caught in a trap.

Or

Static at first, then it tunes in.

Country?!? Of all the...

If I would have known

would it change my choice?

I already counted back

seems I got too far.

Should I be able to hear?

Clinking. A woman's voice.

Not the master. Stronger.

Sounds official but

why can I hear.

It's a given, I know.

That and smell.

Both are gifts

I wish were taken.

Scratching, cutting, scraping.

Should have chewed them off.

Can't scream, growl, or whimper.

Why can I hear?

Not the Country, the cutting.

And the laughing.

No sensation of cold

yet I feel chill.

I sensed his confidence.

That's why I didn't bite.

No I'm not so sure.

More cutting, I feel it.

Why can I feel?

I wish it were a dream.

Or nightmare from which

I could wake

and stop feeling

and stop smelling

and stop hearing

This should have been easier.

Status Update

Sorry - never duplicated these here - here they come...

Why do I feel like I need to adopt another language? I have multiple forms of communication at my disposal now but my second language doesn't get used all that often. So, I think I'll take up Spanish or sign language only because this whole blink-once-for-yes-and-twice-for-no thing, while not particularly difficult to learn, is a little limiting.

We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping. 8 hours in 24. I did the math. So, I was thinking, what if you could do all your sleeping at once. Would you do it? Think of the productivity you could generate the other 2/3 of your life if you could get sleep out of the way. (That would be one NASTY drool pool) If 1/3 is right, then when you woke up you would know when you were going to die: (Days asleep X 2) = Days left. Party!

Great! I just heard that in 2 billion years the oceans will dry up and in 5 billion more years the sun will turn into a Red Giant and 4 pulses later will swallow up the Earth. Don't worry, the sun will eventually shrink to a much smaller size and cool down significantly. To be fair, I knew these things before I just didn't know they would be happening so soon. I'm just not ready yet.

Cold-blooded Carl sits calmly in the cool water waiting. Without really realizing it he looks to his right and to his left and sees tiny bubbles begin to form. His warming surroundings take the chill off his normally clammy green skin. As the bubbles become violent and the ambient temperature soars, Carl cooks. Me? I'm the angel on his little froggy shoulder that should have told him to jump out of the pot sooner.

Have you ever tried to count the number of sounds you can make with your mouth? If not, let me know. I'll come over with my camcorder and you can start exploring. Before my international tour I would never have believed that language and culture bind and restrict your ability to make certain sounds. Tom Brokaw can't say the letter "L" for crying out loud...

Hmmm. Yet another daughter turns 16 - I get closer and closer to having to beat down unsuspecting pukes whose testosterone-laden existence I may have to cut short at any time as a direct result of the thoughts passing through their pea-brain little heads that might as well be broadcast on a diamond-vision sandwich-board strapped around their necks professing their intentions. It's visible.

My dad had a saying for whiners, "You'd complain if you were hung with a new rope." For a tough choice he would say, "It's a case of being shot or hung." As I get older I notice lots of things about me that remind me of my dad. Does this mean all my idioms will deteriorate toward the macabre with rope as the subject matter?

It only takes a second to see if a clock is working.

I have always been curious why in an attempt to dignify, glorify, honor and/or exalt an oncoming guest, the host, MC, or person conducting will put Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss in front of the guest's name. This is the best we can do? "Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, we present the one, the only, Misssssster Marilyn Manson!" The Britts do this too - it ain't just us. How does "Mr." adequately reflect status?

Ask a kid to name a pet - you get an enthusiastic list, "Skipper! Squirty! Rascal! Camshaft!" Ask an adult to name a pet - you get, "...hmmm, it has to be a good name. And one that fits. Hmmm, I'll be judged by how cool the name is. I'm worried that it won't learn its name. Fido? Overused. Spot? Ordinary. Sgt. Pepper? Too Beatle-y." I have a friend whose mule's name is Maude. That fits and I've never seen it.

Do I think Facebook will revolutionize human socialization? Not really. Do I think Facebook as a fad will become passé as users seek more fulfilling activities? Maybe. Am I supremely annoyed by people who ask questions and immediately answer themselves in what must be an exercise is succinctness avoidance rather than speaking with conventional clarity? Yup.

Communicators: it is unnecessary when speaking to native English speakers to follow the word 'billion' with the clarifying phrase, "...that's billion with a 'b.'" We are able to discern the 'm' in 'million' and 'z' in 'zillion' as being different from the 'b' in billion. And yes, we're impressed that it is a billion. I

I have decided to start compiling regrets rather than setting goals. The regrets seem to stay with me long after I've given up a goal. My first regret is that I never got the chance to play guitar in an 80's hair band while wearing red pants and riding on the hood of a car in the music video. Sure, I could do it now, but what would be the point?

We often alter what we say to others based on their profession. We conjure a professional filter through which all communication must pass, i.e., Comedian (what I say better be funny), Psychologist (better not reveal too much), Hypnotist (guard against brain control), Professor (gotta sound smart), Dog Catcher (Arf). Too bad I don't cause a more profound filter - it's usually, "Well, I'm computer illiterate so..."

1) Are actors just really believable liars? Do you feel lied-to when you watch an actor who is very convincing? 2) I think the reason people lie is a result of laziness or embarrassment. It is much harder to figure out a creative way to explain the knee injury rather than admit to a freak sofa-related accident. Armchairs can be treacherous.

Picture the situation if the Operators of this Matrix we call life suddenly disengaged the 'car' subroutine causing every vehicle on earth to instantaneously disappear. On any given street, before the skidding, screaming and road rash happened there would be lines of people flying through the air in the sitting position.

Is it the single-most blowhard indicator to refer to oneself in print as "this XXXXXXX" where XXXXXXX is the author's literary title or is it just a strange attempt to avoid using "I" or "me." Example: "It appears to this reporter..." or "...when this writer worked there." My problem is filling in the XXXXXX blank: "this Facebook hack" or "this wisecracking moron" or "this nonsensical wordsmith."

A nose by any other name...

The 'cheap seats' are sometimes referred to by the colloquialism 'nosebleed seats' in reference to their hemorrhage-causing altitude and relative distance from the speaker/players/singer/quick-change artist. So, let's start our own colloquialism for the expensive seats while keeping with the nose theme. We'll call them the 'nosehair seats' as that is the unfortunate view you have from up that close.

Most of the time, when seeking nosehair seats (notice there is no quotes around that phrase...caught on fast, didn't it?) you fail to realize that this will be the consequence. You pay extra, wrestle others who have similarly expendible cash/are as ambition free as you are, and blow your savings on seats that end up being enveloped into a mosh pit. Sorry, did I sound bitter? Not that this is from any specific incident where I ended up tossing an elbow into the chest of what I hope was an at-least-18-year-old kid.

I'll watch it on the big screen next time.

Smartypants

Lesson learned today at the airport: The "Einstein" in Einstein's Bagels is not a reflection of or a commentary on the caliber of staff employed there. "Not scholarship material," as my father-in-law the college professor would say. I think Albert would be so mad about the geniuses working at his namesake bagel shop that his hair would fray...

While I am not one to poke fun at those less endowed mentally, I do have to say that if all you do all day is sell bagels and drinks, you should be able to handle just about any order that is thrown at you by the general public. It's not like I introduced extra change at you at the wrong time during the transaction or spoke in a foreign tongue...

Tomato

Fed up with croissant, entendre, je ne sais quoi, etc. I kill myself trying to pronounce them correctly. I'm not being a stupid, uneducated American devoid of extra-language skills. I've semi-silently listened to all of you mispronounce harakiri (Harry Cary), kamikaze (Comma Cause-ie), and karate (KUH-RAW-TEE) for many years. But if the French pronunciations are required, then all languages should be. Nuff sed.

Not nearly enough it turns out...just kidding. I just feel really silly saying croissant. I say it 'crescent' and feel good about it. No need to get silly and demand all the strange diphthongs and fancy endings foreign to English. Unfortunately, Japanese is easier to pronounce since they don't even use all of the sounds English uses. When using a subset of sounds, it seems like there would be an easier road to pronunciation perfection.

iFone 3G(S) XLT M-Class

Planned obsolescence is the process of a product becoming obsolete and/or non-functional after a certain period that is planned or designed by the manufacturer. While this sounds like my body, it's more like my new iPhone - I'm sure GEN3 will be paper-thin, be able to project a feature-length movie on an IMAX screen, and be powered by a combination of friction and lint naturally occurring in my front pants pocket.

I love this phone - but as sure as last year's make and model of car is somehow all-of-a-sudden ugly, this thing will be replaced by a better, sleeker, faster, more desirable model. I think it would be responsible of the manufacturers to just go ahead and make these phones as fast, cool, and stylish as will ever be possible. That way my phone will never look like a Chevette.

Slip into Silent Slumber

Randy Gardner holds the scientifically documented record for the longest period of time a human being has intentionally gone without sleep not using stimulants of any kind - 264 hours (11 days). I believe parents set 'undocumented' records of this nature all the time - especially when their kids go to the midnight showing of "Harry Potter and the Cellar of Souls" or was it the 'Goblet of Money' or 'Prison of Pesos.'

I don't know Randy Gardner but he was 17 years old when he set this record. I tend to think that at 17 I probably could have done the same thing - although at that age nothing held my attention for 3 days, let alone 11. I also got a kick out of the fact that Randy broke the previous record of 260 hours - by 4 hours. Nicely done. I think I may have tried to shatter the record. This is not a record I would like to attempt over and over and if someone was able to go 260 hours and I only added 4 more I would be instantly threatened with defeat - watching insomniac after insomniac attempt to beat my record.

I think that would keep me up nights.

I remember sleeping. I remember enjoying sleeping. I don't ever remember a time when I could not fall asleep easily. I was in San Antonio with my dad one time - we were teaching a training class. The night before the class we decided to attend the Imax presentation of the Alamo near the Alamo. Pretty cool. The best part was that it was a double-feature. My dad seemed tired and actually SLEPT during the Alamo movie - gunfights and cannons not withstanding. When the lights came up and we were waiting for the second feature I told my dad that it was then that he should be sleeping. He said, "...you're right," and bowed his head and literally one breath later he was asleep. Now that's a gift. Sleep anywhere. Sleep anytime. Sleep on command. Nice!

Fun Sway

I was reminded yesterday that we used to consider breaking into people's houses, vacuuming the carpet and rearranging their furniture. We wondered if we could be arrested. Aside from the obvious trespassing I think the only other crime we would commit is a violation of the laws of the natural order of feng shui.

We literally thought of things we could do that seemed like crimes but were not. Break in and leave a $20 on the counter. I don't know where this came from but then again my friends and I were deep-thinking, considerate, cautious people who were not prone to spurious thought.

I was reminded of this line of thinking by Mer who sent me this year's Darwin Awards. They were exceptional - this one that triggered my memory was the one where a guy went into a convenience store and put a $20 on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register he demanded the money. He rushed out with the stolen cash but left his $20 - the stolen cash totalled $15. So the question was posed - if you leave money, is a crime committed? Too funny.

I'm sure there are other random acts of kindness that can be perpetrated on the public at large with similar consequences. Weird how that was a funny thought we had so many years ago.

Pyracantha Pounding

Corporal punishment is the deliberate infliction of pain intended to discipline or reform a wrongdoer or change a person's bad attitude and/or bad behavior. I define it as my 6th grade teacher Mr. Fernandez (inflictor) smacking me (wrongdoer) with a wooden paddle that had holes drilled in it for improved aerodynamics. And all that for innocently participating in a pyracantha berry war. He broke that paddle on me.

And by the way, who plants pyracantha bushes in an elementary school anyway? Bunches of ripe, round, red amunition, er, um, berries fill these plants several times a semester just daring us to pick them and throw them (after trying to eat one - they do look like tiny little apples, after all - gag) at each other. They make a significant mess as they are sorta soft and smushy and stick to Keds.

I remember after a particularly involved pyracantha berry war we looked around the battlefield to see spent ordinance everywhere. As good citizens would do, we at least kicked them off the sidewalk and onto the playground. That didn't seem enough of a philanthorpic gesture to Mr. Fernandez to stay his hand. He lined us up in front of the class and gave us each a whoopin'. Funny, as I recall, there was one girl involved in the fray who received one gentle swat. I'm sure she couldn't see the circles from the holes in the board on her hind end that night like I could.

Chicken Mentor

SAT question: Q. Emeral Legasse is to kitchen mentor as Colonel Sanders is to ________ ________. A. chicken torment. I didn’t realize flip-flopping syllables was so much fun until many years ago when a non-native speaker told me he had two chickens in his house – he meant kitchens. It was strange to me that the chicken/kitchen conundrum had never occurred to me. Not that I’m pidstu…

I get that torment /mentor is cheating a little - what with the 'T' being used twice - also, I get the folly of the comparative where one is a title of a person and one is an act but this isn’t a real SAT question to be challenged for validity so let’s move past all that. We're all about breaking the rules here at ByteBlog. I still think it is funny that words I have literally known since I could speak would become interesting because the flippage of them had never occurred to me. I’m far too lazy to think of others right now which is sorta the reason I haven’t written about this before – or maybe it is just that it never occurred to me to blog about something so inane.

I did think of butthead/headbutt but that one is really obvious. I am convinced that more of these will naturally occur to me as life accumulates. I heard torment the other day and it flipped voluntarily in my head – much to my delight. I heard about the chicken/kitchen one literally 28 years ago in Japan. The guy who told me this was an English teacher at the high school which meant his English was only rotten, not atrocious. It was actually quite good, but not near idiom-level of understanding (although I’ve spoken to many folks who aren’t at idiom-level of understanding as a native speaker…). But because he studied English, and must have some affinity for it, I can see how this could happen to him being an inept speaker of a foreign language myself.

This phenomenon cannot be broadened to include the joke format: What’s the difference between a boxer and man with a cold? One blows his nose and the other knows his blows. This is a broader format consisting of a phrase that flips – a much less amusing occurrence. Word flipping? Now that’s entertainment.

Believe You Me

So I often get caught off guard by people whose interests, thoughts and reactions are different from mine. Well, it seems the arguments most often stem from one of the big 3 – religion, politics, or programming language. Fierce battles rage among committed zealots trying to establish their supremacy or justify their convictions. I just think they are wrong if their misguided thinking or belief systems disagree with my perfect, humble take on life. We are lucky to have so many who work so hard to defend their stance. It causes me such amusement.

I love the way many over-the-top enthusiasts emphatically thrust their own beliefs on others as if to assume they are able to superimpose their will on everyone else. While I hold my own opinions and beliefs it is rare that I force others to wear them. I am happy to state my opinions, and I am strong in my beliefs. Just ask me. I’m not shy about extolling their virtues. But it is strange to me that there are many who would do harm or seek to destroy others who do not agree with them. However, it is funny to me to watch programmers fight – there seems to be more disgust and assumption of ignorance on both sides of that war. I love it.

They are all just wrong. Am I wrong? No.

Gel-ous

I thought our naturally occurring deposits of gel and hairspray were depleted in the '80s. I think the Flock of Seaguls band single-handedly consumed the majority of it and in large part caused the shortage. Yet somehow we have managed to find more. We must have found an alternative source as I see more and more gel products. Gel is now found in everything from hair to shoes to cell-phone cozies. My daughters have 'Gel-ies' which I pronounce and write 'Jellies' that somehow passes as footwear. Arch support not withstanding, (or not considered) I think the artificial substitute for the good ol' gel we used to know from our childhood will never return. The new-fangled gel is much less viscus, and much more 'sticky-plastic' like. Do you know how many polymers it takes to make just one little Winnie-the-Pooh breakfast spoon rider?

What's next? Three-piece gel suits with matching vest and fob pockets? Day-glow gel weapons that slap and tear. Can't imagine gel ammo but it may be next. I love the thought of a beanbag gun, but a gel-firing pump-action sawed-off shotgun just seems wimpy. The sticky, stretchy gel that acts like snot can be used as a weapon I suppose - like the frog toy with gel tongue that you swing and it sticks to the wall. Handy in an alley fight. With nun-chuck-like percision (which isn't very precise for most of us) we could wield the Frog-tongue Fighter. Oh, wouldn't the ladies swoon as you whip that thing out to defend their honor.

I get that gel is fun. I concede that gel in hair is often necessary. I count on gel for a comfortable ride on my bike and a comfortable fall for my cell phone. I just think the all-too-broad definition of 'gel' is what I have a problem with. In the name of simplicity we have relegated anything remotely resembling (and sometimes not at all resembling) jello to being called gel. It has been deemed the dominant substance of the 21st century by byteblog.blogspot.com - and if it is on the Internet, it MUST be true...

PB and J

Peanut butter (chunky Jif) spread so thick you need a shackle knife, apple jelly chiseled out and neatly spread on 3 slices of bread - the middle piece keeping order between the unruly peanut butter and its jelly nemesis. Washed down with ice-cold milk one degree warmer than a slurpee so as not to incur brainfreeze. Perfection!

Movieland Bucklist #5

The chief screams something about being a rogue cop and demands my badge. I surrender my weapons (2 guns, knife, nun-chucks, a machete from my pant leg), slide them slowly across his desk, and leave. I turn back to get the lunch my smokin' hot wife made for me when the building explodes blowing me into the street. Great! I have to spend the rest of the movie hungry with smudgy blast-face!

Past Facebook Stati

For NON-Facebookers, here have been my stati for the past several months. From now on I will post both places with more explanation here. That way I won't be limited to the few characters provided by Facebook status.

Stati II

Q. Who designates official 'days?' A. Julius Sterling Morton, who designated 'Arbor Day.' Since he died in 1902 I decided to become the self-proclaimed Day Designator. I think today will be designated, "Throw that piece-of-junk lawnmower away and get a good one" day. (observed) I think the 'week' and 'month' people were just greedy. Don't you think a day is enough? Maybe not for "Get Organized Month" - PARTY!

That that is, is. That that is not, is not. That that is is not that that is not. That that is not is not that that is. I'll have one with, one without, two with both, and one with each.

Do you ever get a hankerin' for the good ol' days when waddys could hornswoggle fellers, put a whoopin' on 'em, or call 'em varmits and they'd still belly up and paint their nose together? The gallows was always handy fer a necktie party to string up the gaddabouts and ne'r-do-wells and ifn that didn't work, order was generally maintained with Old Bessy on yer hip. Fancy meant sup'm differnt back then...

I miss "The Tick." Nobody else handed out a steaming hot cup of justice quite like him. I raise my antennae in your honor, Tick. Spoon!

SR:NOT a Gila Monster - although I'd love to see one of those. BN: Very Funny! HE: So who invited these critters to invade our garage space? CS: Should have caught it and ridden it or given it to Isaac - oh, wait, he would feed Kaleb to it. HG: NOOOOOOOOOOO. The tail is best grilled with chipotle and lemon. And it grows back so it's kinda like having a garden of meat.

She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She

Suspended animation is the slowing of life processes by external means without termination. Cryogenics does NOT fit in this category since death and reanimation are required. What I find poetic is that Walt Disney is reportedly cryogenically frozen. That joke writes itself, "Old cartoonists never die, they just suspend animation." I think they keep 'Frosty Walt' on display in the Haunted Mansion somewhere.

I am decidedly ignorant on a number of topics. But since zero is a number, I'm ignorant of nothing. You may call me Captain Zero if you wish. "Jeff, what's on your mind?" Nothing.

It's like my father-in-law says each time he takes out the trash: Garbage is my life - and my life is garbage. Quotable stuff!

I got to the end of the Internet today. I looked over the edge. Just as I suspected - Elvis, ET and Jimmy Hoffa were playing cards at a green felt table. I ducked before they saw me - electronically, of course.

I have two friends who nearly beat each other to death after an argument as to whether you can truly be '______ and a half' years old. Yep. Great wars have been caused by less. Good thing my smokin' hot wife doesn't get the half thing. Most '...half' things are derogatory. Half-wit, half-pint, half-baked, half-cocked, half-truth, half-asked (or at least that is what I though it was when my dad yelled it at me...)

A posthumous recognition is a ceremonial award given after the recipient has died. We all make the assumption that the recognition given is for something done while they were alive. Not so fast. I'm sure if you asked a medium they would tell you that plenty of great acts are done by dead people - there's just nobody to attend the award show. Yikes! What would that red carpet look like? Bonus question: why is it red?

Eye to eye. Tet a tet. (Head to head) Mano a mano. (Hand to hand). Arm in arm. Toe to toe. Nose to nose. Back to back. Shoulder to shoulder. Cheek to cheek. Clavicle to clavicle. Really!?!? Did I leave any body parts out? I'm calling this Siamese language. I have one thing to say: BACK OFF, man! Mind the man-bubble. (This message is intended for everyone except my smokin' hot wife.)

Is frenzy a small friend? Or a group of small friends? Or a small group of friends? When my mom used to talk about "feeding frenzy" she was feeding my friends but it never occurred to me that she might be referring to my friends and not our method of eating.

I should write the SAT test questions: #1 - Hooker is to Fisherman as Popper is to ____________. #2 - A train heading south leaves New York at 2pm traveling at 78mph and a train leaves Philadelphia heading north at 105mph at 3pm. They are on the same track. Where do you set up your ultra-high speed super slow-motion camera to get the best footage of this epic, colossal collision. Bonus: who wins?

Theme park synopsis: Pay WAY too much to get in, eat something that is WAY too nasty, WAY too expensive, and unnaturally colored, use bathrooms that are WAY too dirty and then ride WAY fun roller coasters that beat your body to a pulp. The people-watching is worth every cent. I now know that to fit in I need pink, faux-hawk hair, some sort of tattoo, and britches that sag but somehow don't fall off.

By now, we were supposed to have small Cessna-brand Flitepax that propelled us from here to Wendy's to buy a Frosty and back instantaneously. We were supposed to have picture phones, too. All too often I hear someone say, "...they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a bicycle seat that doesn't cause nerve damage or an ice cream cone that doesn't leak." When will the suffering end?

Some words are just better with an echo. Given, the word shampoo is good in and of itself, but you have to admit that sham-sham poo-poo is just better. I feel this way about Amsterdam as well. I have a friend who named his kid based on how it sounded en-echoed. OK, maybe that wasn't the only consideration, but it is SOLID. Jake jake jake Fox fox fox!

Bawitdaba-da bang-da-bang-diggy-diggy-diggy Said the boogie-said up jump the boogie Bawitdaba-da bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy-diggy Said the boogie-said up drop the boogie. It's the nuance of 'jump' the boogie -vs- 'drop' the boogie that intrigues me.

People who are engaged (engagged) are FREAKS OF NATURE - they are neither married, nor single and because they are in this foreign state they don't really know how to act. I think there should be a special island of seclusion somewhere (ok, an ugly island, to be fair) that keeps 'gaggers' away from the rest of us normal people.

Is it me or is everyone around me getting smarter? I see others who are faster, sharper, and better-looking with more capacity than I have. And random just doesn't seem very, well, random anymore. I don't know what I'm searching for but it gets harder and harder to find it. I must really be getting old. ******Sorry, just channeled the thoughts of my iPod for a second - I think it needs therapy.

A friend of mine got a '68 Thunderbird - perfectly restored. At first I was amazed because it looked really good, then I got in. WHAT?!?!?!?! No int. wipers, no cruise? This is just old. I got out and exclaimed that I can't ride in an antique relic with no seat belts or air conditioning even if they weren't invented when the car was. I guess I have no appreciation of the finer (read: older) things of life.

I'm a little bugged - we're approaching 2010 but we still say two thousand ten. Should be "twenty ten." I think it will naturally happen in 2011 because eleven has so many syllables. I mean, really, who would say two thousand and eleven? And how will we refer to this decade? We had the '80s, the 90's, and now the, um, aughts? I can't wait to say, "...I remember back in aught 6." Oh yes, I will say that one day...

Movieland Bucketlist Item #4: I stand in the mud, in the rain, in my underpants with my rifle held over my head as the Drill Sargent screams non-obscenities like 'maggot' in my face. I grin as the scene changes behind me to reveal the oncoming aliens. I spin around cutting them down with the orange Rego-plasma quark-beam that's standard issue these days. I take the extra time to sign my name in the smolder...

I think I get dumber every time I introduce extra coins late in the retail purchase transaction to make the change come out evenly only to garner the "...why did you do that to me?" OR "...you already gave me enough," OR "...I already pushed the button-thingie," look they get on their faces. I never do this on purpose but I love that reaction.

Kleenex should be spelled Klee-dex because that is how you say it right before you use one. "I deed a Kleedex." I think they should put facts or trivia on each sheet. That way we would 'know before we blow.' Hey, does he have 'street-smarts?' Nope, he has 'snot-smarts.'

Lunatic fringe is a pejorative term used to characterize members of a usually political or social movement espousing extreme, eccentric, or fanatical views. I define it as the edges of food people eat that they shouldn't - like watermelon rind, OR the efforts people make to remove parts of food they SHOULD eat - like crusts of a peanut butter sandwich, potato skins or orange juice pulp.

So why is it that if you look at a word long enough it A) looks like it's misspelled, and B) looks like it is not of your language. The word noises was the latest word to morphtate on me. It looks French. I can imagine that if someone were watching me stare at the word noises they would attempt to put me away with a drool can. Oh, shoot, drool just morphtated.

I think I need a nickname! Something cool like King Biscuit Skeletorous or Ed. My smokin' hot wife needs one too. I'm thinking Zanadu Angel Wing or Jenny. We usually just call each other by our bowling names: Bud and Dot...we need them stitched on matching shirts, though.

Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to human beings and animals than to other plants. Does this mean I have to name - and start a college fund for - every mushroom that grows in my yard just in case?

Feeling sorry for Snap, Crackle and Pop today. They can't sneak anywhere. Always making VERY recognizable noise. I want my name to be a sound too but I want a fight sound from the old Batman TV show. I can't decide between BOFFO (right cross) or DOINK (eye poke).

Movieland Bucket list item #3: I get the phone call demanding $120,000,000 ransom in unmarked bills as I hiss in the phone, "...you've got 12 hours to release my ferret. You have no idea who you're dealing with..." He laughs as I sky dive through his ceiling, snap his neck with my legs while simultaneously feeding Commodore, my traumatized ferret, a Cheeto with my mouth.

Scientists have determined a standard way of measuring attractiveness. 6th graders have also come up with a scale. It is measured in 'cooties.'

I hate to nap. I never sleep as long as I want, I always sleep too long, and I never feel great when I wake up -- especially after being rudely awakened by oncoming traffic.

I think it would be convenient to be known by one name like Rhianna, Madonna, Sting, or Prince but it may be a little hard making 'Jeff' a household word by itself. "You know, Jeff. Jeff who? No, not Jeff who, just Jeff. You know, awwww NEVERMIND!" Prince reinvented his name continuously from Prince to an unpronounceable symbol, to The Artist formerly Known as to The Artist. I think I ended up calling him Artie

At the ballpark, when I yell, "Heads up!" for a foul ball everyone ducks and covers their head. At a restaurant I say, "Don't look now but a man with a red Mohawk just proposed to the carp on his plate (you could tell from the engagement ring)," she immediately looks. What in human nature makes us do the opposite? I can use this to my advantage: Don't laugh! (did it work?)

On the table, pig is pork, cow is beef, and calf is veal. Venison is defined as any game hunted for food, especially deer, and poultry is any domesticated bird kept for eggs and meat. I wonder if chickens are angry that they don't have their very own meat-word?

I'm convinced I will never hear the following from anyone under 30 years old: "I love that song, in fact, the whole album is good!" Listening to music with my kids is a study in attention deficit - I can listen to that whole song in 4 notes! Next! Playlists contain single songs from single artists. Rant some more Grandpa Jeff!

The challenging part about finding Nemo isn't the vastness of the ocean, it is that all the other fish answer to the name Nemo too. You've seen it on National Geographic, right? When an entire school of fish turns around at the exact same time? See what I mean?

Movieland bucketlist item #2: Avoiding Henchman #2's pursuit, I leap from a 4th floor window and land on the roof of a car that breaks my fall like a stack of mattresses. I climb in the shattered window, pull 2 wires from under the steering column, spark up the car and speed off. Who should sit up in the back seat? H2. I take him out with a lethal combination of seatbelt and cigarette lighter.

My smokin' hot wife's pet peeve in movies is people who read words on the screen out loud: "Six months earlier in Bangladesh..." On the other hand, I want to cause people to talk in a movie. I think next time I go I will have SHW lead me into the theater as though I were blind. I wish I could hear them, "...maybe his heightened sense of smell will allow him to virtually 'see' the movie..."

One TP swipe around the seat completely sterilizes it, right? That or a crinkly micro-thin piece of crate paper dispensed in the name of hygiene. The Purel folks keep ignoring my product submission idea for some sort of prophylactic bottled hiney balm.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bird with a lawnmower? A: Shreaded Tweet! One of the only "Boy's Life" magazine jokes I remember from when I was 12. The best part was that they had to explain the jokes to us in parenthesis. Son: Dad, my pet rabbit ran away. Dad: You know what they say, son, hare (here) today, gone tomorrow. What, did they think we were kids or stupid or something?

Step 1. Lie on the floor (on a smooth surface preferably in a grocery store or at the mall) on your left shoulder. Step 2. 'Walk' or 'Run' in a circle pivoting on your shoulder. Step 3. Scream as if you are on fire. This time-tested tantrum technique is guaranteed effective. I've tried it on my SHW with little success which I don't get - it worked so well on the kid's mom.

I'm not NORMALLY clumsy. But I learned yesterday that I'm not NEARLY as good at the I-meant-to-do-that recovery as I used to be. I also confirmed that you shouldn't swear...especially not at church.

The suffix ...ies is typically used to make something cute. Sleepies, pukies, and grunties are just a few words softened by this suffix. I think it was invented to soften the blow of some heinous diseases: Rabies, herpes (technically), or heebie-jeebies. Anyone for Flu-du-Swinies?

A good friend of mine recently attended a 'Mold Seminar' in California. My first thought upon hearing that was that the words 'mold' and 'seminar' live so far apart in my brain as to never have had the good fortune to meet, let alone hang out in a sentence together. Then I realized I've held my own impromptu 'mold seminars' with children who didn't understand the concept of "refrigerate after opening."

If you don't like my singing, get out of my shower.

I have always thought that if you can smoke while doing it, it isn't a REAL sport. Bowling and golf come to mind.

I look forward to the day when I’m so senile that all of life’s problems seem funny to me and I can laugh all day and periodically forget to wear pants.