Who can I turn to?

It's time for everyone's favorite parlor game, Nomberguessin. I think it's Swedish. Here are today's puzzles:

7 - dotw (days of the week)
365-diay (days in a year)
88-pk (piano keys)
50-wtlyl (ways to leave your lover)
9-iiabbg (innings in a baseball game)
93,000,000 - mtts (miles to the sun)
8675309 - jn (Jenny's number)
16 - pn (penny nail)
10 - yfafd (yards for a first down)
26 - miam (miles in a marathon)
23 - MJjn (Michael Jordan's jersey number)
762 - chrr (career home run record)
1001 - AN (Arabian Nights)
101 - d (Dalmatians)
12 - am (Angry Men)
52 - wiay (weeks in a year)
7 bf 7 b (brides for brothers
7 - ds (deadly sins)
24 - hiad (hours in a day) or (hours in Jack Bauer's day)
5280 - fiam (feet in a mile)
6.02×10^23 - An (Avagadro's number)
23 - eitlito (entries in this list including this one)
5 - s (senses)

I got your number. Wasn't that fun?

Animeasurement

My friend calls the non-metric system (Standard System or American System) "stupid" - as in, "that's 45 degrees Celsius, or 113 stupid." I agree, though I would argue that living for a prolonged period in 45 degree heat is stupid. Immersion in the metric system is the answer. Everyone would be confused for a few weeks and then we would all get over it. Hey, I'm ready to sign up for 25 cm.

And why is it we adopted middle-endian form (MM/DD/YYYY) for date display? My preference would be big endian form (YYYY/MM/DD) because sorting would be easier but most other countries use little-endian form (DD/MM/YYYY) - a shortened version of "The 17th of August, 2010." We should use the Julian Date (2455426) but I'm sure we'd just end up abbreviating it to '26' for today. Seems like a metric day, though.

If we're so resistant to adopting these conventional weights and measures, maybe it is time we created our own - of course based on Disneyland. I propose:

Measurement
Units of distance and measurement: Mickey (span between ears), tram (length of parking lot tram), Matterhorn (length of line around Matterhorn)

Usage: The Packers take possession of the football, first and tram, with two wide-outs and and empty backfield.

Fluid
Units of measure: Thimble, jug, river, lagoon (taken from Pirates of the Caribbean)

Usage: Gas has reached $2.13 per jug and continues to rise - I hope the rivers of oil dumped into the Gulf of Mexico don't impact our prices any more...

Weight
Units of measure: Tarzan, Tink, Pan, Cinder, Baloo, Beast (based on the weight of the costumes of each of these characters)

Usage: The prize-fighters from the welterweight class (13 baloos to 17 baloos) snarled at each other during pre-fight weigh-in Tuesday. They each seem like they are ready to take out their tink of flesh.

The best part of these measurements is that they aren't exact - leaving room for the flexibility and interpretation freedom we expect.

Use the Fours

I may be over-reacting, but I think it is unfair that Darth Vader is able to choke a guy out with his mind/force power - especially for a minor infraction. I really think the ability to injure someone just thinking about it would be a hazardous superpower regardless. I think if this force were real there should be a price paid for its use.

For example, not everyone has the force and those who do think twice about using it because for every use it shaves time off your life. Here is the schedule:

Life Tax Table

Life tax = amount off ones life as payment for use of the force:

Picking up an object just out of reach: 1 month life tax
Communicating with life forces on other planets: Variable life tax based on distance
Choking some guy out who 'fails' you: 1 year life tax
Knowing where to shoot to blow up Death Star: 1 day life tax
Forcing slow car in front of you out of your lane: 7 seconds life tax
Giving Brittany Spears laryngitis: 1 day life tax credit

This is an abbreviated list of course. A complete schedule of the Life Tax Table should be developed and given to each person with the force so they can make informed decisions when using the force as they see fit. Complete disclosure allows the force user to determine the importance of force use as compared to life left. By the way, use of the force into deficit or "into the red" will result in instant death. Therefore, terminal force-using cancer patients can use the force willie nillie for every whim - the worst that can happen is the tax takes their life. No big deal. (Unless, of course, they roll the dice and use the force to cure their cancer, in which case the use tax will take its toll but may extend life as well - the timing is critical in this case).

As a management style using the force seems a little extreme. But if there are two guys facing each other in conflict, it seems unbalanced if one of them is able to randomly kick your butt with his mind.

I wonder if Darth Vador has the same power with other species, "You have pooped on my carpet for the last time..."

Shoe Fits

I think shoes are society's retribution for women. For all the stuff they get, have, want, and are that we have to endure, society gives back a little guff. My smokin' hot wife is no Emelda Marcos so she is neither a Filipino politician nor does she have 2700 pairs of shoes. Her nickname is also 'smokin' hot wife', not "Steel Butterfly or Iron Butterfly."

However, if one were to look at her collection (my smokin' hot wife's shoe collection, not Imelda's - though I'm confident that Imelda's collection would resemble on a grand scale what my smokin' hot wife's collection represents in microcosm) and evaluates the number, complexity, style, task, use, storage requirement, utility, similarity, color (some actually dyed to match a dress for Pete's sake) and discomfort of nearly all her shoes one can only arrive at that punitive conclusion.

I, of course, am the afore mentioned "one" or possibly Pete.

I Got Some Reality on Me

Collateral damage is defined as damage that is unintended or incidental to the intended outcome. I define collateral damage as the unintended effect the TV show "The Bachelor" has on me as an innocent bystander passing through the family room while that corrosive piece of garbage program is on. Remind me to secure my pocket barf-bag for incidental "The Bachelor" dialog contact.

My girls love this show - along with other reality shows like Dancing with the Stars and others. While they have every right to be entertained by this dookie, I find it unwatchable, uninspiring, and un-everything else. It is truly disappointing that we vote for these shows with our eyes and make room for their content in our brains.

I'm dumber for knowing about them let alone having tangential contact.

One Step, Two Step, Red Step, Blue Step

Dancing. Disciplined wiggling. I used to love to go to dances when I was a kid. I'm sure I wan't much of a dancer but that didn't matter much to me. I THOUGHT I was good and that was enough. A few years ago a friend of mine was performing in a park in San Diego (Nenyi - Native Vibe) and we ended up dancing and really having a great time. I remember at that time thinking that I must like dancing yet I never sought it out. My smokin' hot wife doesn't dance either - nor does she like it - nor does she think of doing it. We're compatible in SOOOOO many ways.

I've seen good dancers and bad dancers. I fit into the category non-dancer. I can effectively do the "Whiteman's Overbite" dance and the "Air Guitar" dance. I have the secret weapon I call the "Embarrassing Daddy" dance. I bust this move once in a while to refresh the threat of its continued use.

When my daughters dance it is heaven to me. When most anyone else dances around me I feel a little queasy. But when my girls dance - and I think they have actual skills, not just being seen through rose-colored daddy glasses - I am moved. They have such grace, athletic ability, and natural talent (and in some cases, formal training) that gives me joy. The technical aspects of dancing become meaning less under these circumstances. I think they are the best in the world. I love them to death. The boy too, by the way.

I think dancing rituals should be reinstated - as long as they are performed by my daughters and I can view them from the comfort of my recliner.

Melodic Juice

Sadly, I realized that I have entirely too little Jew's harp (unfortunately antisemitic), jaw harp, mouth harp, Ozark harp, trump or juice harp in my life. Wikipedia sez it is "a lamellophone, which is in the category of plucked idiophones: it has a flexible metal tongue attached to a frame...placed in the performer's mouth and plucked with the finger to produce a note."

Me? I wonder why note was not in quotes in the Wikipedia article?

I enjoy a good Jew's harp as much as the next guy - and it has a unique sound. So does a didgeridoo (From Wikipedia: The didgeridoo - also known as a didjeridu or didge - is a wind instrument developed by Indigenous Australians of northern Australia at least 1,500 years ago and is still in widespread usage today both in Australia and around the world.) by the way - I just don't have CD's full of this sort of music.

A void in my life? I think so. Avoid in my life? Nope - what would the washboard players and jug band members do for employment? I'm afraid I'm going to have to support this "art" form.

Now there's a proper use of quotes.

You're in Luck

There's insect repellent (and separate mosquito repellent), cat repellent, dog repellent, deer repellent, rabbit repellent, bird repellent (scarecrow?), and even shark repellent. I've decided that I want to be enough of a nuisance that they have to create a "repellent" for me. Turns out there is already a Jeff repellent. It's called "chick flick".

I am horrified to find out that there is a website selling pee as a repellent. You can buy squirt bottles of CoyoteePee, BobcatPee, FoxPee, etc. neatly packaged to allow the user to squirt an area to chase away pests. Have a question about pee? Well, ask the PeeMan.

The following are questions I would ask the PeeMan in no particular order:

1. How do you harvest the pee?
2. Who buys the pee you sell?
3. I understand the liquid, but how do the animals product "granuals"?
4. Is this where you thought you would be when you did your 7th grade career project?
5. Threatening pee I get (CougarPee, etc.), but how is PigPee and ChipmunkPee used?
6. More of a note than a question: Thanks for providing an answer for the iguana problem.

Sincerely,

Very Curious in Phoenix

www.predatorpee.com

Emoti-Con

Cynical Simon Sez: The phrases "...you make me laugh" and "...you're gonna make my cry" are clever devices intended to avoid actual emotional response. In some cases, these phrases are used in lieu of an actual response. "This is a rouse. This is only a rouse. If this had been an actual emotional response, the Attention Phrase you just heard would have been followed by official emotional response such as laughter or crying. This is only a rouse."

Using these phrases allows the user to give the illusion that they want to laugh or cry without actually having to produce. The user can simply say that they felt compelled to cry in response to the words or actions of another but really the feelings backing the words are vacant. No actual emotional response was generated but somehow the phrase-user feels compelled to socially handle the situation by falsely claiming a response. The recipient is placated by a sense that what they said or did was meaningful to or funny to the phrase-user thus causing an emotional reaction.

The recipient receives a false emotional response disguised as real. The user feels nothing - but that fact is hidden.

This is why it is good to be a replicant.

You Rucky

I periodically determine that changing my name may be more advantageous. Names seem to carry too much weight. And everyone plays the 'Name Game' way too often to start another one here. However, it I benefit from a name change, what's to stop me from giving it a go? Apart from being taught my whole life to be proud of my name and to live up to my name, why would I keep it? I've grown far too attached to my name to ever let it go but it may be time to reconsider...

Today, I've decided to change my name to Jeff Luck. All too often I hear people say, "...as Luck would have it." I'm just trying to cash in on this. I envision a Utopian society where everyone falls all over themselves to provide for me as "I would have it." Imagine an entire society dedicated to making sure my preferences are satisfied. I would not wield my new-found name-power unwisely. I'd just do little things like make my iPhone work on Verizon's network and make great-tasting foods healthy.

There is a down side: I'd be blamed all too often for desertion "...her Luck ran out."

Book Him and Him and Him

I think if I were a senator (and by the way, the notion of this is absolutely ludicrous as I have no political aspirations and don't really like most politicians or what they stand for or what they roll over for or what they do or what they say or what they lie about or what they think we want or what they think we want to hear) and I didn't like someone (as if it were possible for me to dislike someone - I'm mostly unable to find disdain for others and have been cursed/blessed with a great love for everyone which can tend to cause problems especially for those around me who don't like everyone and crave their companionship like I do) I would introduce a bill making it illegal to be that person.

Example: If I didn't like Justin Nutherhater, I would introduce legislation making it against the law to be Justin. Attempts to change names or identification would be futile as the law would be air-tight on these points. Even if that someone were to, say, change their name to an unpronounceable symbol they would still be covered under the anti-themselves law. I guess to be an effective law it would have to be named something generic like "The Best Friends Legislation".

I could take it a step beyond and also make it illegal to be Justin's friend or sell him anything. Anyone caught providing assistance, support, encouragement, or friendship to Justin would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Then I could just sit back and let the cops do my dirty work for me.

I'm quite certain I'll be elected based on this platform alone.

Cain't Tuch Dis

I have long been fascinated with optical illusions. There are so many ways to fool vision it is nearly impossible to list all of them. However, the Internet has tried. The Internet is awash, replete, jammed, brimming, teeming, overflowing with optical illusion images. With so many ways to fool the eye, it is a wonder why the Mabel-Factor-Revlang make-up faction hasn't patented some of these illusions to scam the rest of us into thinking those users of Mabel-Factor-Revlang products look different than they appear to us.

This got me thinking about the other four senses. I've been tactilely fooled before - once at EPCOT Center I felt a series of tubes next to each other. They all had water running through them. Warm in the first tube, cool in the second, etc. When felt independently, each one's temperature felt mild, but collectively, the warm felt very hot and the cool felt cold.

Although this illusion is rare (making hot feel cold or hard feel soft), I think there are comparatively fewer auditory, olfactory, or gustatory illusions to be found on the web. It is common that people "hear something" when they really didn't but I'm not referring to mis-heard or mis-tasted experiences. I'm referring to one sound that should be identifiable as one thing but is indeed another - not unlike the sweet sound of my smokin' hot wife's voice which sounds like a combination of unrelated elements.

I think the lack of these illusions will ultimately result in the demise of the Internet as we know it - that or we will all just grow tired of it one day...